Losing Hope

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I have so much potential. So many possibilities to do the things that bring me joy and benefit from my passions but yes the depression continues to win. The darkness hides my light and I’m filled with a heavy weight that blocks me from finishing a chore, or tidying up a workspace so I can be proactive. My brain is battered from grief, and despair, judgement and guilt. My thoughts fall back to the places where there is no sign of hope. The rain comes and adds a layer of cement that says you will suffer today. There’s no pattern to what sets me up for failure on days at my lowest. No cure to ease my internal bleeding. I’m crying without tears. I can feel my heart and it’s in my stomach. It feels like it’s leaving. Today is not a sunshiney day. #sadness #depression #mentalhealth #hopeless #blog #womanblogger #sunshine #hope #broken

She…

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She is sitting.

She’s sitting and waiting for a miracle to fall into her lap. Maybe she will have the greatest idea she’s ever thought of and it will take away all of the debt she owns, and make her dreams a reality.

She’s dying. She’s dying inside. She’s lived this long and her life stays on repeat.

She wants to run away. Not forever, just until she can breathe once again. Her life is a lie. So much sadness, anguish, fear. They’re stronger and larger than the realities that everything will be alright.

She’s a prisoner in her own home; her life that’s become even after she made peace that it probably wouldn’t, but it did.

She wants to play, wants to not be tired, wants to savor each second, but instead she drowns.

She drowns in her debts.

She drowns in her fears.She drowns in her sadness.

She drowns in her constant cries for help while everyone walks past.

The ones who really know her are gone.

The ones who held no judgment have left her behind.

The ones who truly loved her can’t speak, and never could.

She wants to go to them, but she can’t.

She can’t leave the smallest versions of herself.

She can’t leave the ones she made promises to.She can’t leave.

So, she sits and waits for a miracle to fall into her lap.

Your local Library: What you’ve been missing

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On any given day of the week, I can go to my local library; Kanata Hazeldean branch, and fight for a spot to park. A library parking lot that’s packed? Really!? Some have said this to me in the past, and to them I say, “you’re obviously not using this public service enough, and getting the best out of what it has to offer. It’s not just books anymore. First off, when you walk in to the library, especially my preferred location, you will be witness to boards of information on services they offer, and events coming up. Weekly they have play groups where moms, dads, grandparents, and child care providers can come and have the little ones in their care entertained by new faces, toys, and singing, and dancing. What a relief for many people who use this as a break from the every day struggle of trying to figure out what they’re going to do with their tiny human that day. Aside from baby and toddler groups, there are a plethora of events and activities for all ages from Chess clubs, to walking groups, Cooking sessions, and knitting clubs. The website is set up so you can find a location that you are looking for, and see what is happening that day. If you’re looking for a specific kind of event, you can always search for it and see if anything similar pops up at any other locations throughout the city. What if the event I’m looking for doesn’t exist? You can always speak to a contact from the library about having that kind of gathering created. If you know a lot about the topic, perhaps you could offer to host an event! The library has rooms that can be rented out for meetings, groups, and clubs which are very affordable, and a great place to teach a new skill or hobby, and meet new people who share the same interests as you. Are you an Author? Another great benefit from your local library if you are; you can submit your book to be a part of their bookshelves so that local people can find your book and read it, which could lead to recommendations to others. You can choose which branch you would like your book placed at, and it’s completely free to do this. I took advantage of this recently, and submitted my book so that it can be found, and hopefully enjoyed by people in my community. What if you want a book that your branch doesn’t have? There’s a great option that allows you to find the title, and request to borrow it from your library choice. You simply find it in their system and request to borrow it, which will create a report that will have it sent to you in a few days time; you get a call from a staff member notifying you that the book is in, and then you go and pick it up. It doesn’t get easier than that. Primarily, I use the library to study for courses. The setting is perfect as it’s very quiet, and a relaxed space. Daily I’m in the company of many others working on their studies, or projects as well. There’s plenty of space to sit, plug in your laptop, use the free wifi, and get down to work. I highly recommend everyone to use this service as much as you want. It’s there in the community for the community. A place where all are welcome no matter what YOUR STORY is. https://biblioottawalibrary.ca/en

Who Am I?

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Who am I? I’m nobody. Just a mom to 1 and a half year old twins. A 40 year old student trying to find a second career that fits. A daughter to parents who think the sun shines out my butt. A girlfriend who tries to keep the love alive by showing appreciation and respect to the one whom my heart desires. A sister to 4 of the most top of the top siblings. Plus a friend, albeit, a distant friend who doesn’t have to speak or see those she holds close to her heart every day to have them know I think the world of them. So, why do I deserve to be known, and spoke about with admiration, and honor? Why does anyone deserve to be what they dream of being? Many people try hard at what they do to make a difference and get the job done. Why do celebrities get to be celebrities? Why do the famous get to become famous? Why does a President, or Prime Minister get to have that role? We all deserve to be what we want to be. No one is less deserving than anyone else. We all can make a difference, and we all matter to someone. I’m not one to boast, and brag about myself, but I will celebrate my victories and share my accomplishments out loud; we all have the right to be proud of ourselves and toot our own horn without coming off as vain. I believe in myself, and what I can do, and what I’d like to do. I believe there is more to my life than what it currently is and has been which is and has been beautiful thus far; I wouldn’t change a single thing. To some though, I’d be looked at and thought of as just Susanne, nothing special, why does she deserve to write a book and have it loved by many? How does she think that she can create a name for herself, a brand that people will want to follow, and share? To those people, I say, everyone is worth the time, and no one’s life is deserving of being undervalued. Everyone has a voice, and has the right to be what they desire. If you want to become a celebrity than go for it, if you want to sing, dance, train monkeys to ask for pizza, you can do it. You MUST do it! If that’s what your heart desires, than please don’t do anything less. Listen to your heart, and make a life for yourself that you will be forever happy with, and that your loved ones will be proud of you for. Don’t ever listen to the naysayers. Their words don’t matter. You have the power to be your one true self.

Find What Fits

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Last Spring I decided that I would like to go back to school. With my anxiety, and 1 year olds, I knew that I would be choosing to do it online. I chose to take Business Fundamentals, and began in September. I really didn’t know what to expect, but I was delivered 6 courses on my plate. I thought that was a lot but that was coming from having done other online programs where you could choose the amount of courses to sign up for instead enrolling in the whole program and having half in your lap at one time. I accepted that, and was eager to begin. With the babies having only started daycare at the end of September I was already behind, and not knowing how much I would really need them there every day, they only went a couple days at first, and then every other day. At that point, I was still up to my eyeballs in work, and not getting things done on time. In the end, I was too far behind to ever catch up as much as I succeeded at what I did do, I couldn’t pass any courses. I was not allowed to jump into second term, and had to reapply to the program to start over. Although the course was something that I did want to take, and still would like to, it also was very dry, and really not enough to keep my interest. I have a background of dealing with people and children, and this was all numbers and facts. I decided not to reapply to that same program, but instead apply to something different that I believed I would be more successful in, and it was more in my element. I applied to take Retirement Residence Management program online. I was accepted, and began last week. The babies will now be going to their wonderful daycare every day, and I can work on this course full time without distraction. I already feel more comfortable in this program as it deals with material I’m interested in, and familiar with. Maybe one day I’ll look back into doing Business Fundamentals, but for now I’m choosing a path that’s a better fit for me. I have so many interests, I could probably be taking courses for the rest of my life. I would like to work again, so I’ll have to take a break at some point.

Life doesn’t have to be hard. You just have to find what fits.

Veterans who Battle PTSD, and their Families who Love them

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Today I’m sharing a post from a good friend. Heidi and I worked together for many years, and shortly after we met she began dating Brian.

He was in the Canadian Military and was in his 6 month tour in Afghanistan when they met. He completed his tour with his unending bravery and training as a extremely skilled soldier.

After almost 10 years together, Heidi is his strongest supporter, and does all she can to spread awareness of Soldiers who suffer with PTSD as well as the families that live right along these Heroes.

Here is her post, that was too important not to share.

“This is a picture of me at a wonderful organization called Landing Strong 💪 in Windsor, NS (Just over 2 hrs away from my house)
They specialize in helping Veterans who suffer from PTSD and their spouses. I was fortunate enough to be funded by Veterans Affairs to attend a 4 part Workshop for spouses. I wanted to attend so that I could gain knowledge of what Brian is going through on an almost daily basis with his PTSD . While there, I met some very strong, courageous and caring women that are facing the same desire for support in knowing how to care for their husbands. Some even having to dress, feed and transport their partners who not only suffer from the mental issues of PTSD but also physical injuries that have left them with handicaps.

I am writing this post as a tool for awareness , not to demonize those Veterans suffering from PTSD nor to bring attention to me ,the bottom line is that these soldiers have given the ultimate sacrifice and will forever be changed and it is not their fault. I simply want to share how it effects the spouse and family. I have asked Brian in advance for his consent in sharing, and he agreed.
You see, soldiers who suffer from PTSD are not constantly ‘ticking time bombs ‘ (as normally portrayed) ready to explode at any time, though sometimes that may occur ,it is more about them having to be in a self-preservation state in order to function. This may even look more like narcissistic behaviour because they have to focus so much on themselves to survive. Other times this can be avoidance and disassociate behavior which is very difficult for me to bear, but I am learning that I need to allow Brian that time and simply be there for him when he’s ready to come back. I struggle greatly with not taking it personally when he pulls away.
Another aspect of PTSD is the inability to concentrate or remember certain details, so I am left with trying to do the remembering , which at times I forget things as well. Other menial tasks are making phone calls for appointments, taking calls for him from family and friends and taking charge of the business side of his Surfboard business.
There are many times he’s just not up for ‘peopleing’ and so we just stay home.
When we do go to a social setting , it’s important for me to pay attention to where Brian feels most safe , usually sitting with his back towards the wall and having the ability to scan the room. And sometimes something as simple as ordering his meal, is too much , too many questions can set him off into an anxious state so I will ask him beforehand what he’d like. If there are any loud noises , an unexpected pot dropping, plate smashing, balloon popping, even claps of thunder, I will have to grab his arm as he is set into an instant ‘fight mode’ , sometimes dropping to a knee with his ‘air ‘ machine gun. I need to console him and make sure to tell him he is safe.
It’s that moment when he awakes from a terrible nightmare and I need to hold him and reassure him that he’s safe. Or some mornings, there is no apparent trigger, he just is caught in an anxious state and can’t shake it off.
It’s about feeling like I always have to be switched ‘on’ , reading his cues, body language and anxiety level of that particular day.
But the reality is no matter how much I educate myself around his PTSD and try to avoid certain triggers , I fail. I still take things personally, I still trigger him and I even though my greatest hope for him is PeAcE , I fail.
And it’s that guilt that ways so heavy on me .

So to all the women who , like me are doing your best to support their spouses who suffer from PTSD, I commend you … I acknowledge your sacrifices and your ability to ~Land Strong~ 💪 even though you may not be feeling like it.
♥️”
#landingstrong

Happy New Year! Sharing an Oldie

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I wrote this blog post on my old blog. I found it today while I was looking through samples of my writing for a job I thought I might apply for.

I obviously don’t write on that blog anymore, but I thought I’d share it here. It’s from 2014, but still to the T about the answer to the question.

“Monday, April 21, 2014

What is my heart’s desire?

Every morning and night I receive a notification on my phone from the Devotion App from the Play Store. I installed it quite a while back, because I want to feel connected and in touch with my faith throughout the day. Most of the time the devotionals are so deep that I don’t even know the answer to the questions that are often included in them. Tonight’s was from Psalm 37:4. It read, “take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires”. It ended with asking, “Do you know your big dream?”
So here I am a couple hours later still thinking about what that is. It was very clear that this dream was not to include material possessions.
I can’t help but think about Dorothy, in the Wizard of Oz, when she woke up and her Aunt and Uncle and the farm hands were there and she said, “If I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with.” If I may correct Miss Dorothy, she wasn’t really looking for her heart’s desire; she was running away so the mean old Elmira Gulch wouldn’t realize that Toto had jumped out of her basket and ran back home. She had taken him in the first place because he had supposedly bit her but…oh nevermind, I’m optimistic that the majority of the earths population have seen the movie. Anyway, back to my heart’s desire. So, if material things are out than one of my desires is I wish I could live forever, but that’s impossible, and do I REALLY want to live forever? Picture me 200 years old. What am I going to be able to do anyway? Everyone I know would be passed away. I can see why that’s not a possible thing. I’d love it if my dogs could live for a LONG time still, and be healthy and happy. Is this my final answer though. I think God would be expecting something deeper. I love my puppies more than anything, but if I’m taking proper care of them and loving them as much as possible, than I have faith that they will still be around for quite some time. So what really is my heart’s desire? Am I supposed to know? Does everyone know theirs? Really, when it comes right down to it, doesn’t everyone just want to be happy? Whether you are married or single, dating or alone, young or old, isn’t happiness something everyone works for? Some people shop to fulfill a void of unhappiness, some people fill their lives with their favourite hobby or past-time because it makes them happy, and others spend all of their time surrounded by family and friends because they are happiest when being with others. I would have to say that being completely happy with whatever I have and wherever I am and whatever I’m doing would most likely be what my heart’s desire really is. No matter where God has brought me or whatever he has given me to handle, all I would love to be is happy.
Now. What’s your heart’s desire?”

Baby Sharked for Christmas!!!

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Christmas has come, and Christmas has left; at least the day that is.

This was our twins second Christmas. The first that could possibly have some sort of vivid memory, but still, I doubt it.

For the past, what seems like year, they have been obsessed with Baby Shark! I’ve heard enough doo doo doo doo doo doo to last me the rest of my life. A few months ago they saw the commercial on YouTube for the Baby Shark puppets that play the song from slow to fast depending on how much you move your hand. I pretty much knew at that moment that they’d be getting that for Christmas. This in fact was what Santa presented them with yesterday morning; one Baby Shark, and one Mommy Shark. To say they were delighted would be an understatement. They love them! I’m adding the affiliate link here so you can check out what I mean if you haven’t seen them yet. (Note: when affiliate links are present I may receive a small payment when someone clicks on the URL provided.)

https://shopstyle.it/l/bb5HM

https://shopstyle.it/l/bb5Jn

To continue on with the Shark theme that somehow occured, a while back I was out shopping and I found a wooden puzzle with big chunky pieces for little fingers! It was none other than… Baby Shark! At the time I worried that maybe they wouldn’t still like Baby Shark by Christmas, but I was more confident that I had nothing to worry about. I purchased it that day, and I’m pleased to say that they really seem to like it. It has big bright pieces, and it shows a picture of what is actually supposed to go in the space instead of the common blank space that just shows the shape. My twins just turned 18 months on the 21st, and they can put the pieces in the right spots most of the time. It’s still challenging enough, but perfect enough for their little selves.

Baby Shark Chunky Wooden Puzzle

https://shopstyle.it/l/bb5Jq

The last item that they received yesterday was from my Mom. I had mentioned that they love Baby Shark, however, I’m sure she realized this already due to the fact that they sing it every time we talk to her over Facebook Messenger. When they opened up the gift, it was a book. BABY SHARK: Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo Doo from Scholastic. It was not by Pinkfong however, it was a bit different but nevertheless the same story. They listened the whole time I read it, which is not always the case for toddlers. The book even had the pictures on each page to show how to do the hand gestures for each part.

BABY SHARK: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO

https://shopstyle.it/l/bb5IL

Overall, I think they were very happy with their Christmas. They of course didn’t get only Baby Shark items, but the ones they did get, they deeply recommended; and their mom does too! 😉

My Common Sense Ways I Live A Crazy and Beautiful Life

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My life IS Crazy and Beautiful; it says so in the tagline of this blog!

I, for the majority of the time, am happy and positive. I haven’t always been this way, as you’ll understand if you’ve read some of my earlier blog posts, but the most part of my existence has been a good one.

I don’t live an eccentric, and busy life. by always being out and about, or having the best of everything, making sure my makeup is always done, as well as my hair, or having 5000 friends on Facebook. My life is simple, and sweet, and here are my reasons why.

1. I act foolishly at least once a day. Truth; I act foolishly probably 10 times at day. Unless something is serious, I act and react on a fly by the seat of my pants kind of way. In response to people’s comments or just general statements I often say something sarcastically, or I may break out into song if they say a word or two that remind me of a line from a great tune. I quite often try to make the person laugh by my initial response, but of course get to a real reply or answer after I’ve been successful at doing so, or at least a regular eye roll with a grin to let me know that they enjoyed it but not admittedly so.

To continue with the foolishness, I frequently make a crazy expression or create a ridiculous song and belt it out, blurt out a line from a favourite movie that relates to something I’m doing or something I’ve just witnessed. This is definitely a regular occurrence when I’m trying to stop my twins from crying or whining and distract them with nonsense.

2. Sing! Again with the singing, although this is actual songs that have been recorded by singers who in fact can sing! I just randomly break out into song at least a couple times a day; definitely more so now that I have children.

3. Do what I love. Not everyone can afford to quit their dead end day job to be able to stay at home and draw pictures of cute little bunnies, or play video games all day. This is not what I am implying either. I mean finding out what you love to do and are good at, and being able to find time in the day; hopefully every day is an amazing thing to be able to accomplish. I dont live off of drawing, writing, crafting, or selling second hand items online, but these are things I love to do, and I know I excel at. I try hard to include them into my daily routine though so that I can feel that much better about life. I even offer them up as gigs on the fiverr website and occasionally get customers ordering from me which brings in a tiny bit of money.

4. Have no regrets. I don’t live with regrets. I figure that if I did than I wouldn’t be happy where I am right now, and I couldn’t be happier. All of the losers I’ve dated, the failed relationships, the financial path I’ve led, the places I’ve lived, I can say I don’t regret a thing.

5. Stay away from negative people or environments. I purposely don’t watch the news or read it. I keep away from people who constantly complain, and I stay clear from places which cause me stress. This even means family gatherings. I don’t engage in it cause I know it brings me down and can make my blood pressure rise in an instant.

6. Will it matter in a six months/year/5 or 10 years? I ask myself this question with every problem that crosses my path. I frequently ask my partner this when he gets stressed about situations as well. I step back and usually say no. At that point I can press on and go about my day.

7. Give more than you get. I enjoy giving gifts to people. If it’s something small or something big, I embrace the happiness that doing this creates. This is one way I have been able to declutter and purge a ton from my home. I used to live with so much crap, and I just said no more one day. Getting gifts is nice too; don’t get me wrong, but I get way more out of life by thinking of someone when I see a little item that I know they will like, than hoping I get something now and then.

8. Laugh. Pretty simple right? I try to find the humor in almost every situation. “Life is too short to be taken seriously.” ~ Oscar Wilde

9. Colour. There is lots of research about colouring and the benefits behind it. Not only is there the research but the amount of adult colouring books out there on the market is evidence enough. Just picking up a kids colouring book and a pack of crayons can cheer me up in a few minutes of colouring in a picture of a dog on a skateboard.

These are some of the ways I live a crazy and beautiful life. One last way is just by taking in the beauty of the outdoors. Looking at the scenery outside; the trees and flowers or whatever catches my eye. I truly stop, and look, and feel better. It’s momentous and doesn’t take much.

I hope you have enjoyed my common sense ways of living happily.

I’d love to hear some of yours. Let me know if you share any of the same, which I’m sure some people do.

Until next time. Be happy!

I didn’t even know them.

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I can still remember where I was that day. The busses had all just left as the school day finished, and after a long day we all just wanted to get going home as well. We couldn’t yet though, as an announcement came over the intercom for all staff to please come to the staff room for a quick meeting.

I hated those announcements. I knew it was usually not the best news, but I briefly thought maybe it’s someones birthday and it would prove to be worth it.

Once I made my way into where all of the other teachers and support staff were, I knew it wasn’t good. The solemn faces on each person in the room listening to our school principal tell us that there had been a school shooting in Newtown that day.

Newtown!? Where was that!? In the United States; Connecticut. Not even remotely close to us all the way in Almonte, Ontario, Canada, but I still felt a lump grow inside my throat, and a kick in the stomach. It only got worse as she explained that the victims had been numerous little children, and 6 staff who so bravely tried to protect the lives of the innocent tiny beings that spent the majority of their days probably favouring recess as their most loved time at school, and could care less about the weight, colour, height, gender, or even smell of their teachers and friends were. Small, little bitties that would be so happy to jump off the bus at the end of the day to see their parents, and family, cause it had felt so long since they boarded the bus that morning after a kiss and hug from those same ones they impatiently waited to see.

I left work that day after the meeting feeling completely depleted. So many thoughts and feelings went through my mind; the words that kept resurfacing though were, WHO, HOW, and WHY?

I drove the 25 minute journey home somehow without getting in a fender bender or missing my stop due to the complete fog I was in. I remember coming in and turning on the news and seeing every channel showing and speaking about the story of the horrible massacre that had happened that day.

Right then, and there I lost it. I completely broke down and sobbed for so long. I didn’t even know them though. I kept thinking this but immediately I kept thinking about how I lived a very similar day to day with those educators. Each morning, I would see all of the little faces run into the schoolyard, and be greeted tons of times by “good morning”, and “Hi”, from those children just like the ones at Sandy Hook Elementary School. For years I had come to work as a Support Staff and loved working with those little ones who drove you batty or made you laugh so hard tears poured out of your eyes. This tragedy hurt me so badly; it broke my heart into a million pieces that I still am putting back today because I could feel the loss and the pain in my whole entire being.

That weekend I think I cried 5 million tears. When the faces of those children finally appeared on TV to share their identities and the faces of the staff that tried to shield them with their lives were shown, it felt like someone I knew had died.

That weekend I bought some Angel’s from a local store, and I hung 26 outside of my house on the tree in my front yard. One for every life taken that day. They still hang there today; 7 years to the day tomorrow.

I will never forget that day. I will always think of those faces, and pray for their families. It takes a village to raise a child, even if it’s all across the world.

Sleep in heavenly peace little Newtown Angel’s.